Joan Melissa LIVE at the Academy...

Joan & Melissa LIVE at the Academy Awards
5:30: I'm so glad my colleagues over at the channel have decided to go blue for the red carpet. Setting the tone for the evening, Joan Rivers begins with a slightly disturbing scene in which she spreads 'em for Matt Dillon in Crash and groans a lot. And she warns us that there are many more such scenes from the nominated movies to come. Next she gives a nod to Isaac Mizrahi's infamously presumptuous Golden Globes coverage at rival E!. "I would never be so presumptuous!" she declares while she pokes Lisa Rinna in the boob. Instead of groping her interviewees, she'll be using cards to indicate whether they are wearing underwear and/or have real breasts. This'll be interesting.

5:33: Joan gives her own thank-you speech tailor-made to offend her entire crew: "We are color-blind here at TV Guide. Right, black person?" Then she fills the time with an inventory of all her plastic surgery.

5:39: The moment we were all waiting for: the Brokeback Mountain spoof, in which Joan and Melissa are the cowboys. I have to agree with Melissa: "This is so wrong, Mom. So wrong."

5:44: Love Melissa's hair. Even more, love that Harry Winston rock on her hand. Not sure what to expect from Whose Line Is It Anyway?'s Greg Proops, who will be helping her draw on people's dresses.

5:47: Joan gets her first interviewee's name correct, and it's Tsotsi star Terry Pheto.

5:55: Capote spoof: Joan tries to set up Melissa with Truman Capote. "Your father was gay, too!"

6:20: I'd zoned out for a while, but now it looks like we're getting some real stars. Supporting-actress nominee Amy Adams is adorably humble, and when Joan asks her what has changed about her life this year, she answers, "I wear more dresses." I wish I could wear more dresses like her Carolina Herrera with pockets!

6:29: This isn't Joan's fault someone told her she'd be talking to Larry McMurtry, but it's Lee Majors. Is that his wife or his daughter with him? I wonder if someone just got fired.

6:30: Melissa brags about their new cleavage cam.

6:32: Gary Busey attempts some jokes about men chasing women, dogs chasing cars and smart blondes. In a response from the rafters, Greg Proops offers his most astute commentary so far: "He's clinging to reality, as we all are."

6:37: Joan manages not to say anything offensive to Murderball star Mark Zupan, except that she says they play soccer instead of rugby.

6:38: Matt Dillon doesn't have a date, ladies. And his reason? "I'd hate to look over at the person next to me and not remember her name." That just might negate the classiness of his bow tie. Good thing he doesn't know what Joan was up to in that spoof of hers.

6:46: According to Melissa, Terrence Howard is wearing $10,000 diamond cuff links, but his success has torn apart his family. There's a movie plot in there somewhere.

6:47: Dolly Parton says it even better than Joan: "There's not a real thing about me except my heart!"

6:56: Joan tells Brokeback Mountain producer James Schamus' cute daughters, who really want to meet Johnny Depp, that "For all we know, he could be standing next to us: He's very short." 

6:57: By the way, if you're wondering why I'm not talking about E!'s coverage, I think there's a conspiracy going on here at TVG's New York headquarters: The sound doesn't work on that channel. Very fishy.

6:59: It's George Clooney time! What could be hotter than his totally unassuming attitude? He says he'll be drunk in an hour and a half because he's sure he won't win. And to top it off, he dressed himself in his own clothing. Is that even allowed these days?

7:01: They're not giving us much of a chance to recover from The Clooney before Eric Bana arrives on the screen with his sexy Australian accent. I can't decide which is sexier, that or his fake Israeli accent in Munich.

7:10: Speed reunion alert! Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are there together!

7:11: Joan's most backhanded compliment is to Steve Carell, as she says his success this year is "All because you weren't the best-looking kid in the class."

7:15: So Jada Pinkett Smith is in a metal band? And does that explain why she's so scary muscular these days?

7:20: Ludacris' lapels could double as wings. I try to concentrate on them instead of on Joan's inability to talk to hip-hop stars.

7:25: Joan is in the middle of praising Ang Lee, and Time Warner decides we'd rather watch an ad for Red Eye. Oh, we're back. Ang Lee has cute dimples, says my trusty copy editor, Michelle Heller. She also wants me to mention that Melissa's dress keeps slipping lower to reveal more cleavage. And with that, we'll go over to ABC's coverage.

7:35: This ABC chick is wearing the Dancing with the Stars trophy.

7:41: Felicity Huffman's hair is so classy, as is her reaction to the video messages from her Desperate Housewives costars. Where did she get the nickname "Flicka"?

7:43: Philip Seymour Hoffman's looking a little rough. Someone should tell him he doesn't actually have to accept the award in character.

7:44: The laziest questions a reporter can ask are "What question haven't you been asked?" and "What question are you sick of?" But just in case you were wondering, Jake Gyllenhaal is tired of the kissing question.

7:54: Wow, I have yet to see any real fashion disasters tonight. Everyone's playing it careful, aren't they? Let's see if something good will show up on the stage in just a few minutes. Potty break! Sabrina Rojas Weiss

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